I am lucky to call a group of friends from high school, close friends still in my 30s. Those formative high school years as teenagers, passing notes during class, between class, playing poker at lunchtimes with a makeshift set made from coloured scraps of paper, after seeing each other at school the whole day then chatting online on msn messenger all night, to dragging me up the hills drunk in Lan Kwai Fong in pouring rain (oops), holidays together on multiple continents (including dragging a hungover friend onto the bus in Spain, even as she begged to be left behind to nurse her hangover) to being in their bridal party at their weddings and celebrating the arrival of first and second babies and more! Whew! These relationships with these women, are some of my most cherished.
A few toads, then a prince/princess comes along…
When you’re a young adult at uni, as much as you know how awesome your friends are, although they may date a few toads along the road, they inevitably end up finding partners who are just as awesome as they are. Once a partner arrives on the scene, understandably, your friend just has less spare time because she is splitting her free time amongst her partner, her partner’s family and his existing friends and her other friends and family. Her family and work obligations also get busier as she gets older and progresses in her career too. Her free time is now naturally divided up amongst more people and sometimes time spent with friends can take a back seat to everything else going on. But the thing is, when children arrive onto the scene, their free time gets even thinner. But you just don’t know by how much yet and how it’ll change your friendship.
Understandably things change once they get married, their free time is now split between her family, husband, husband’s family, work, friends. When kids come along, her free time becomes even thinner.
The ‘taboo’, unspoken other side of the story
Although I do not have children of my own, I acknowledge it is a real joy and privilege being able to have children. As your friend, the new mum/dad adapts to new routines and rhythms in this new chapter of her life, a lot is changing. Sleep deprivation. Troubles with breastfeeding. Nappy explosions. Temper tantrums. The new parents lives’ are turned upside down! Of course, keeping their new baby alive (and helping it to thrive) should be their top priority and responsibility. As much as we talk about the new challenges and joys the new parents experience, it feels not as much gets spoken about the other side. The friend, who is left dealing with a slow fade out as other people and aspects of their friend’s life compete for their finite free time, leaving gaping holes in the single person’s life, with these now absent friends who have become parents.
Real feelings of sadness and loss can feel conflicting, when you know this is largely a happy and joyous time in your friend’s life. Text messages may not get returned in a timely manner anymore. Phone calls (if you’re inclined that way) may only be brief, as your friend may be sleep deprived and have their mind flittering elsewhere. Even if you can catch up in person, the catch up must fit around the baby’s schedule. Even then, the catch up and conversation can feel disjointed, as your friend is not able to be fully present, as their baby/kid distracts them every few minutes. Not everyone can rely on grandparents/other family for childcare or have a babysitter on call to have a kid free catch up. You’re not able to get what you want from the friendship and they’re not able to give you what you want, so where do you go from here?
You’re not in the parent bubble
Furthermore, as your friend’s kid(s) get older, the more your friend gets entrenched in family life. School schedules, school pick up and drop off, extracurricular activities, studies, assignments and exams, their kids’ friendship dramas, dramas with the parents of their kid’s friends etc. It’s endless! Not to mention, work stressors and dealing with the ailing health of older parents to name a few others! You may find you have less and less in common as they sink deeper into their parent bubble and are largely friends with other parents who are in the same life stage.
Sometimes, as the non-parent friend, who has made an active choice not to children, typically it’s assumed you more free time than your parent friend (generalising of course – you probably live a busy and full life too – career, dating/partnered, health and fitness, pets, hobbies, travel etc). But even if you’re the one with more free time, the fact that you’re putting in more effort to keep the friendship alive, when it’s not being reciprocated, it can hurt, as you’re not as high a priority anymore. The nature of friendships and effort put into the friendship can ebb and flow over the years, but how many months/years of one-sided effort should you put in, before you throw in the towel? Their kid(s) are obviously not going anywhere anytime soon! If anything, kids are a lot of work when they’re younger and as they get older, work turns more into worry. Every kid deserves parents who love them, care for them and are present in their lives. So you can’t fault the parents for carrying out their responsibilities as a loving parent! So what are you supposed to do when facing the slow fade out and the dwindling of your friendship circle?
It’s OK to let friendships that don’t serve you die
On the other hand, sometimes friendships just die. It’s seemingly run its course and neither party seems to want to put in the effort to keep it alive. Not all friendships are meant to last a lifetime and I’m a strong believer that sometimes, friends are only in your life for a season or a reason, before you don’t cross paths again. There’s either an unsaid mutual understanding or you’re just so fed up with the lack of effort or care, you’ve got to cut them off for your own emotional and mental health.
It can feel utterly depressing when you see most (or all) of your friends, married, with kids and in this new, busy chapter of family life. You, as the only single person (or person with no children) are basically left with no friends. Friends are no longer available for Friday night dinners or Saturday brunches unless they can bring their kid(s) or organise a babysitter. Group holidays are basically impossible to plan, because it’s either too difficult bringing young children along, too expensive to do so or if they have the means, they can usually only do it during school holidays only.
If you do try to seek out new friends, it can feel like another full time job in itself, starting your friendship circle from scratch. Not to mention, trying to find new friends as an adult does not come without its own challenges! Read my article “You’re not a loser, here’s my 9 tips on how to make friends”.
Not to be a complete Debbie Downer or Negative Nancy, but with all relationships, it’s a 2-way street and there’s 2 sides to look at the situation. If you’re the only one still putting effort into the friendship, there’s only so long you can flog a dead horse, so to speak. As the years have passed, with more and more friends entering this parenthood chapter, whenever I hear a pregnancy announcement, I almost tend to brace myself for the upcoming and imminent slow fade of the friendship and almost preemptively begin checking out of the friendship. As confusing as it can be to be processing these feelings of abandonment, loneliness, and negativity, I can’t say I have been the model friend tirelessly supporting everyone in their new chapter of parenthood. As you may be processing these feelings, most of the time, it wasn’t your friend’s active choice to abandon you and the friendship.
My parent-friends can’t say the same either, tirelessly supporting every one of their single friends through the highs and lows of life. It goes both ways.
They’re in survival mode
Even if I caught up with them during the pregnancy, attended the baby shower and checked in with them just after the baby is born, the reality is, your friend, the new mum/dad is in a completely different life stage. Suddenly, her body is not her own. Her time is no longer her own. 24/7 her time is spent caring for this young infant who is completely dependent on her (and Dad) for survival.
Pre-baby, I was close friends with someone who I’ll call Amy. Just after her first baby, I moved interstate, so naturally, our friendship grew a bit distant. As I focussed on settling into my new city, she was naturally focussed on her baby and family. Years have since gone by, and neither of us, have really checked in on each other, due to different life circumstances.
Recently, I heard through a mutual friend, her husband has been going through some health issues. He would need to start acute treatment shortly and would eventually need a transplant. He is naturally depressed about the situation, given he is only in his 30s. He is unable to travel further distances on holidays, as he is severely limited in what food he can eat (no salt, basically boils all food). Similarly, he can’t really eat out locally either, because of his new dietary limitations. Obviously this has had a big impact on his mental and emotional state, not just the physical. Now, with a 2nd kid in tow, my sister recently saw her at a mutual friend’s gathering and told me, my friend had noticeably aged a lot. Understandably, with the stress of helping her husband manage his health issues and 2 kids in tow, and goodness knows what else life has thrown at her in recent years, I felt a pang of guilt, that I hadn’t made a proactive effort to check in. I can’t lay the guilt all on myself, as it’s not like she checked in on me either.
Finding the silver lining in mourning
Although I have personally made an active choice not to have children, even recently hanging out with my dear school friends and their kids, I admit that I saw that their children brings a lot of joy and enrichment into their lives. I can see my friends have matured into being more patient, more loving and more kind, as they continue to grow to be role models for their young children. (On the flip side, some children can act like complete demons – and sometimes it’s just out of the parents control. When they’re crying and screaming, it’s times like those, if I ever considered wanting a child of my own, any egg that may be traveling down my fallopian tubes, promptly says: nope and races back the way it came from and back into my ovaries, haha.)
Even as an official auntie myself, spending time with my nephew, one on one is precious, as he and my sister’s family live overseas. As a 6 year old, he is clever, he is funny and is growing into his own, discovering the world around him.
At the end of the day, you can choose to be a Debbie Downer and mourn what you think you’re losing, or you could turn it on it’s head and see what you’re gaining. Your cherished friends are morphing into more mature and well-rounded individuals caring and raising the next generation and you can be right beside them, supporting them, and them you, in the next chapter of your lives together. Yes, the dynamics of the friendship will evolve and not be the same as it used to be, but it isn’t all doom and gloom. You have these new, cool, little humans in your life and you also get to have a relationship with them too as the cool auntie or cool uncle. It takes a village to raise a child and I’m sure your friend would appreciate your support (in whichever way you can) and presence and theirs in your life. Kids can be so fun and best yet, as the cool uncle or auntie, you can get to do lots of cool and fun things together. When they throw a temper tantrum or have a weey/pooey accident – you can promptly hand them back to their parents, bid them farewell and return to your blissfully silent and clean home. Best of both worlds right!? Haha
