How to make friends as an adult

Back when you were a kid, making friends was so easy. You turn up to school on your first day of kindergarten, and purely by luck, whoever you were sitting next to or have lunch with, magically became your friend. Making friends as an adult is just plain hard. This idea of making friends through proximity and regularity of seeing each other, continues throughout high school, university and to a degree your first job (depending on how old your colleagues are and what life stage there at). Also, let’s face it, you may not want to hang out with your colleagues.

Then, you reach your 30’s (or maybe even earlier) – your once single friends are in long term committed relationships, perhaps even married with young kids. They’re at a different stage of life than you and have less time to hang out. Others move away for an array of reasons and your friendship circle shrinks. Or perhaps you decide to move cities or even countries for whatever reason (career, partner, change in scenery, be closer to family etc) and need to start from scratch. Life is in constant motion and things change and that’s OK. The nature of friendships change and don’t happen quite as organically as they once did like at school.

As adults, people are most likely already settled into their friendship group – especially if they’ve already lived in that city for many years or grew up there, are focused on climbing for corporate ladder, or have other responsibilities that divides their time up. As hard as it is to make friends as an adult, it’s not impossible. New friendships can add so much joy and happiness and open us up to new ideas and experiences. New friendships takes time and deliberate effort. In theory, it’s an exciting opportunity – but on the flip side, can seem scary, triggering thoughts of rejection and fear. Don’t overthink the friend making process. Focus on being open and having fun.

So where can you find likeminded people to become friends with and how? Here’s my top tips based off of my experience having moved from Sydney to Melbourne in 2018:

1. Assume people like you

The fear of rejection is real. According to a study from the Journal of Personality and Social psychology, it found people often like you much more than you think. When we don’t know what other people are thinking, we often substitute our own thoughts about ourselves for what other people think. Instead of overthinking your interactions, focus your mindset on being positive, with the belief that people like you and it’s more than likely it will actually turn out to be the case.

2. Be proactive

As opposed to being at school, where you probably made friends passively, you must let go of this myth and be proactive at initiating. Whether this means accepting invitations to events, parties, church – don’t just go and leave straight away. Say hello and strike up a conversation. If the conversation goes well, ask for their phone number, follow up and initiate a hang out.

3. Keep showing up and deepen your casual connections

Once you’ve made some casual connections, keep showing up. Whether they’re acquaintances, co-workers, your local barista, or even neighbours – these people are already in your life. It’s easier to build friendships through these people whom you have existing, but loose ties with.

This is easier especially if you’ve signed up for activities that gives you multiple opportunities to see each other again, like a book club, sports team or language class. According to the American Psychological Association, the “mere exposure effect” is the finding that individuals show an increased preference or liking to something as a consequence of repeated exposure. Considering you’ve already got at least one thing in common (location, shared hobby, interest etc) use these to spark a conversation.

4. Put yourself out there and practice vulnerability

Think about the deep friendships you already have. They’re built on trust and mutual respect – probably through shared experiences and values. Of course, this will take time and small talk does has it’s place.

Start off with a low stakes conversation opener. Depending on where you’re at, for example, a gym doing a yoga class. When people are packing up, ask someone: “Do you come to this gym a lot? I’m new here.” This simple question could open up a conversation where they share more about the neighbourhood and what else they like around the area. People love sharing their knowledge and you’ll get some great tips too.

If they’re receptive – why not ask for a low stakes coffee/tea/juice/boba tea or lunch hang? The answer will always be no, if you never ask! What’s the worst that can happen? They’re busy and say no? Try rain checking for another time.

Vulnerability is the next step in deepening friendships. With time and practice, move past the superficial, dig a little deeper and start sharing things about yourself. You never know, something you share just might trigger an “omg, me too” moment.

5. Try a friendship app

If you’re single, you’re probably on the apps. Bumble has 3 different modes, Bumble Date, Bumble BFF and Bumble Bizz. Once you’ve downloaded the app, you’ve got access to all 3 modes. Similar to the dating mode, Bumble BFF prompts you to set up your profile by sharing what you’re looking for in a new friendship and start swiping away, chatting and setting up friend dates!

Others to try are Meetup, Peanut and Meet my Dog.

6. Get set up

Chances are, someone you already know, knows someone who lives in the area/city you’re new to. Ask around your colleagues, friends, family etc to see who they can connect you with.

7. Attend events

Anything you love, chances are, there are loads of other people who do too. In addition to having some cool new experiences exploring the new city you’re in, attend new exhibitions, art gallery openings, talks by people you admire, party, show, or volunteer for an organisation. A simple way to strike up conversation is to make a comment about the location you’re both at, then ask for their opinion. For example, if you’re at an artist’s talk, ask: “What a great talk huh? I particularly liked the bit when they talked about (topic), what did you enjoy most?”

8. Deepen your hobbies

Similar to attending events, delve further into your hobbies and meet some like minded people along the way. Whether you’re into drawing/painting, ceramics, knitting, running/sports clubs, language class, book club or go to church, take advantage of the “mere exposure effect.” The more familiar you seem, the more people will like you and vice versa.

9. Remember it’s not quantity, but quality

You’re not going to gel with everyone and that’s fine. Friendships take effort and it’s a two way street that requires both parties to invest in the relationship. It’s difficult to build up a friendship if one or both parties lack the time, energy and effort. But carving out time for friends will ultimately reap huge rewards for your health and happiness in the long run. As important it is to find the type of friends you’re after, what type of friend are you striving to be? Keep your word, be honest and open and show up for others. We choose our friends and they choose us. They’re purely voluntary relationships and the only people we spend time with, simply because we want to. What an amazing feeling it is to be chosen, day after day! Enjoy the process and go out there and have fun!

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